Bureauscopes: Horoscopes for bureaucrats

The other day while sitting in a cold bath and playing on my iPad (not a euphemism), I came across an image from a magazine from India called ‘Bureaucracy Today’ via twitter. The image was of a monthly horoscope, tailored to bureaucrats, and at that moment I realised what had been missing in my professional life up till now.

All the horoscope needed to be perfect was the introduction of a slightly Australian flavour, as the working life of bureaucrats in India seems to be comparatively short on such Aussie office essentials as the long lunch, the sickie, and organising your AFL Dream Team.

So if you're fortunate enough to be in the business of bureaucracy, here's a taste of what you can expect from the month ahead.

Aries:

With Jupiter rising in the first fortnight of January, you may find your will being tested. In the face of adversity, it is important to keep a cool head. Practice some yoga breathing and take the phone off the hook for an hour or two. Generously offer to buy the IT guys lunch so that the network mysteriously goes on the blink for a few days. Tell your manager you're off to archives for a file and instead use the day and a half to sneak out the back door and take advantage of the summer movie scene. Above all, be good to yourself. You deserve it.

Taurus:

The first month of the year should be a case of making hay while the sun shines. January is a great time for Taureans to tackle organisational challenges head-on. Organise a series of office cricket matches, set up your office pranks schedule, update your Excuses and Stalls folder and, most importantly, get a head start on your AFL Dream Team preparations.

Gemini:

Pizza or sub? Decisions, decisions, decisions. You will have to think hard about where you spend your long lunches this month. Don’t be a paragon of self-control though, as January will be the month for acting on impulse. You will do well to follow your heart (and your gut). Why not see where it leads?

Cancer:

Planets indicate an excellent month for you is on the cards for January. A financial windfall can be expected in the form of some higher duties pay after your boss tries to get three reports up for a single meeting. Young bureaucrats being tempted by such concepts as innovation will need to be under supervision towards the end of the month.

Leo:

Pave the way for a week of sick leave at month's end to avoid a confrontation with a hysterical resident whose view from the bathroom windowis about to be impeded by a neighbour's renovations. Book an appointment with the WALGA counsellor in your junior's name for next month. He's going to need it.

Virgo:

Jupiter is rising in your sign around the 15th, which means you should postpone asking for that extra week of leave till later in the month. Avoid chipping in to any leaving presents if the person is entering private enterprise - they'll be back in six weeks.

Libra:

Mars and Venus will align in the first week of the month, suggesting amalgamation is on the cards. But do a survey anyway. Ignore critics who say it's a pointless political gesture and a waste of money so close to the state election. Everybody loves a survey.

Scorpio:

You are at the peak of your bureaucratic powers. Your foresight in arranging for 98 per cent of the City’s projects to go through community consultation during this month while ratepayers are on holiday could mean you should expect a promotion in the near future. To really be ahead of the pack, draft the Council reports for these projects before consultation ends to expedite the process.

Sagittarius:

Meetings are a practical alternative to work. Remember this and the month of January will sail smoothly by.

Capricorn:

Stick doggedly to your guns in the face of a failing project. If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success. And then redefine it again. Why stop there? Come on... redefine it again.

Aquarius:

Planets indicate a difficult month ahead for you. Pesky politicians having the temerity to request work from you; sexual harassment allegations arise from your Christmas Party antics; and, worst of all, a new work experience student means one thing: maintain a low profile.

Pisces:

I don't know any bureaucrats who are Pisces. They're all enablers.